Who was I?

This one was actually written a few years back for an outreach project I was involved in….
I have moved forward since then but this is kind of my base!

 

Who Am I?

Well now there’s an interesting question!

When I was 3 I was apparently TinkerBell for almost 2 yrs and would only say ‘Ding-a-Ling-a-Ling’. I spent my primary school life being extremely literal (I am told that I once spent a whole day over drawing a life size ladybird on an A3 piece of paper.) I was Selective Mute the year I had a male teacher and Mum tells me a was selectively deaf when she started seeing the Man I came to call Dad (Miss You Everyday).

At Secondary school my report frequently read – ‘Must try Harder’ and although I remember knowing everyone and being said hello to an awful lot, I also remeber never feeling as though I fitted into any of the ‘groups’ but was more on the fringes of them all. My first love left me for someone more extraverted and broke my heart. The next boyfriend was all wrong for me but showed up around the same time that my mum returned to the dating game and looking back I realise I just didn’t want to be alone.

When I was 19 I started working in a retail store in one of Londons airports and after a while I became ‘Rah-Bird’ I was loud, I ran the stock room and held my own in a predominantly male environment. We drank and partied and I briefly enjoyed being single. I met the man I later married when I was 20 and my life steadied a little even though he came with ‘Baggage’ (Such a horrible way of refering to the amazing young man who became my stepson but thats what everybody called him at the time ).

‘Rah-Bird’ survived untill I was almost 24 and my mental health broke down. Apparently you can’t wear a mask indefinately, eventually all that stuff you’ve been ignoring and shoving under the sofa? It needs to be pulled out and looked at! That year after being signed off long term sick, I put up my christmas tree and stared at the twinkly lights for almost 3 months continuously.

Since then I’ve sold Double Glazing and Family Portraits (I honestly don’t know why I put myself through it) I’ve been a book keeper and then given up work when my stepson came to live with us full time. More recently I have been ‘MamaBelle’ who now has 4 amazing children and had no social life to speak of. I went through a phase of thinking I should want more and got involved with the preschool, which led to qualifications in childcare and special needs.

These days I brand myself as ‘FairyClare’. FairyClare has several faces but as I get to know myself better I am finding that they compliment each other rather than grate against each other. At home FairyClare leaves a trail of glitter wherever she goes after gluing and creating with the children. FairyClare also makes charm jewellery and occasionally I have to do real stalls and talk to customers, so then I put my ‘Game Face’ on. I have realised that I also use my ‘Game Face’ when dealing with professionals and agencies for my children but will avoid doing so for myself, often I forget to eat unless my husband or eldest son remind me.

For a while FairyClare worked as a barmaid and made a new group of ‘friends’. I very nearly became a drunk as I couldn’t enjoy being with that group sober if I wasn’t working. Having distanced myself from that I realise that actually the problem lies when I am customer side of the bar. Without a role to play I am completely adrift and just want to run away, but let me stand behind the bar and you’ll see a completely different character.

So Who Am I? I’m still working that out but luckily I have a beautiful family that assure me they are along for the ride – I reckon I’ll hang onto FairyClare though, My liking of Fairies seems to have been a fairly constant thing and to be honest I kinda like UltraViolet FairyDust.

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